[11:02 P.M.] [Monday, Feb. 04, 2002]
[meanie head]

* so pissed off * i cant get it off my mind * bc its happened again for the second time * MEST- my feelings on the gayness of this comp shutting itself off! * Okay so i gotta be quicck with my over view of everything * my day was good * found out Marcus had gf * great go figure * did nothing * went to Taco Bell with Allie and Em * interseting Goodwill trips * Made allie a great skirt outta plaid shorts * went to Younglife * came home * Prayers: * For Amy at YoungLife, that she can deal with the frustration of us all, that there are YL leaders out ther for us * Jeremy and Ruth had their second child so they had to leave * Tim left bc he felt mislead under Amy's discipleship * So I pray for leaders, outreach, community and personal growth * I really want to go to YL and Campaigners on a regular basis to continue my growth that I am lacking * I pray for my friends that I haev been misleading to do certain things that I know are wrong and personally wouldnt do * Thanks: * For the time Allie and I spent talking today * just about random things * those are the best times * for Younglife/Amy she tries so hard * Friends in general that help you through anything * For the kick ass cd that i got in the mail from this kick ass band contest check em out- www.buddysystemindeed.com * I also actually did some math in class today *Gripes: * Marcus has a gf, i didnt get alot accomplished today, i have hw still, progress reports are the day after tomorrow, some ass hole wrote me a really mean entry to my guestbook * ill elaborate later * Regrets: * None that I can think of * Today was alot of fun and I am greatful for it all and the opportunities I have had * My insight is def the convo I had with Allie, as well as my highlight * I love just being able to talk to her * I love talking * she is the greatest one to talk to bc we relate so well * well our convorsation got me to think * she asked if there was any one with no strings attached at all in anyway, who would I haev sex with * considering I am still a virgin and it would actually be meaningful, I said Jeremy * even tho he has had sex before, i think he is the one i would see myself giving into * we have been so close before * and i believe given time and place it would happen * i wouldnt pass it up again * i am trying not to come off as a whore but it isnt working as well as i had hoped * there is just a connection I feel with him that is incomparablet o anyhting I haev ever felt before * I have been in love, once, * and it still could not compare to the physical connection between us that makes me feel like i want to or even need to give into him * i know it wouldnt be this romantic perfect time * but it would be memorable * because he is memeorable * ug grr... * i want him so bad * and I haev never had any sexual attraction to any guy * i have always been very adament on NO SEX TIL MARRAIGE but with him, it seems acceptable * I am completely way too naive * and he isnt even here *which can be a win win * or lose lose * situation * with him here I can spend all the times I want with him, and cherish them foever * yes I am a loser * and with him gone I cna try adn get over him * and move on * like i should * but I wont * not for a while * but also on the flip side, * with him gone I miss him so much * and with him here I know I would be hurt again * I think I am jsut a game to him * infact I know I am I just wont let myslef believe it * and then he would leave again and i would be hurt again * like always * but maybe next time * mayeb itll be different then * on a deifferent note * i apologixze for anyone that i have offended or will offend now * The guy that signed my guestbook rudly but blatantly called me a fake and plastic dumbass that cant think for myself and called my diary a waste of html.christ * I am sorry for those of you that think so * but honestly if you dont like my entries then great * dont read them * no one is forcing it uponu at gunpoint * i am not holding you obliged to staying here til i finish * I dont expect you to share my views * or thoughts * or beliefs * but that doesnt mean bc I have the balls to actually confront these thoughts that I am so superficial loser that needs to be criticized * I really am sorry * but there is no reason to put people in a bad mood bc u go to their page already feeling biased to their thoughts and opinions. Well I dont expect you to share MY thoughts MY opinions MY beliefs MY experiences with things * that is why I write it down * to help MYSELF remember everyhting * to help MYSELF figure things out in MY mind * if you dont like it then good! * I dont really mind and I dont expect you to * just dont knarck it until u have lived the exact life of me * and if ya do agree then great u understand me * I am sorry for sounding harsh * but really dont bug me if u think i am some shallow, monoprorammed cheerleader * just go ahead and move on * i promise it wont hurt my feelings if ya dont read this * I didnt expect anyone to in the first place *well i am off with my quote * it is by staind- * For You *

*Locked inside my head * Listening to all of the things youve said * And your scilence gets us no where gets us nowhere way too fast *

Rhi

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