[10:23 P.M.] [Tuesday, Apr. 30, 2002]
[painful realization that no one cares at all]

* so you ask if ive been cryin *

* and naturally i lie and *

* tell you that im fine *

* but you dont change your mind *

* you can see through all the smiles *

* that have put my soul on trial *

* to enilate the feelings that remain *

* you made it so perfectly clear *

* you told me from no less than point blank away *

* you made me realize that what we never had was over *

* that the incessant hugs never existed *

* that it was nothing merely more than a friendship looked at blindly *

* and the actions i observed were nothing merely more than things done kindly *

* your so concerned *

* i was so certain it was real *

* that you felt the feelings that i feel *

* but i guess it was an average case of overanylization *

* of every hug, of every look, of every conversation *

* i guess i started seeing *

* things that were never even there *

* i thought that you had raelized *

* i thought you began to even care *

* when what i thought was your feelings began to materialize *

* and every thought you began to share *

* but man was i wrong *

* to even hope for so long *

* that this fairytale romance would ever spring upon us *

* that isnt our destiny *

* maybe soon my eyes will see *

* you are always there for me *

* and you always will be *

* just not in such i way that i had hopelessly imagined *

he took me to his truck. we bought a pie together, as a joint gift for shelley's birthday. he drove me to her house. talked to me while we were there. and then he brought up her. as if to make me jealous. i really hate it when he does that sometimes. but i do it to him too. i dont want him to know that his present day descions will effect the way that i view him, or even how i view my day. i dont want him to think that i even care about him anymore. but that is because i do care. and i know he doesnt. so if i seem like i dont then he wont care that he doesnt care, and i will see more clearly what his intentions were. but what if he ever did care. and blew him off like always. and not in the since of plans. but with his talk of other girls. what if i talked of oterh guys to just make him think i was over him, and he believed it, and he actually wanted me, but then thought it wouldnt happen. am i actually making things easier? or just mopre difficult in the long run. i think that i have decided that, unfortuantely, what eric and i have is very alike what allie and bryan have. with the exception of profuse amounts of head. we have a very flirtatiously close friendship and we find each other physically attractive. we talk about things that most people wouldnt talk about together, especially with a memeber of the opposite sex. we play around a lot, and have fun together. i like him alot, and have for several years, and he knows this. he has done things at his expense to make my day brighter, and does things with out even knowing it that brighten my day. he is always there for me, helps me through more problems than i can imagine. and he gives me the worst case of mixed signals this side of the mississippi. yet also like bryan and allie, things will never be. may it be because we are such good friends. or that the opportunity has already passed. who knows why, but things just will never happen. and this too is a painful realizaton, because sometimes i do think that it will. i always thought that one day i would end up marrying him. he is truly amazing, and i could so imagine us together. but that is the extent of it: imagination. i also think that he thrives knowing that i want him, and that he could have me any second. i am a very weak person, adn he knows this, for he has told me before that he knows i am weak. and i htink sometimes he knows that i will be very responsive to any flirting done on his part. i will not pass up the opportunity, bc if you do, what happens if that was truly the time that it was meaningful, that i was honest. then you have no chance again, because the other person sees that it is over in your mind, and i am not willing to forego those risks. all too often i pass up a good thing, for a not so great thing. and the thing is i know he is the totally great thing, but he just cant see that i see that i guess. maybe once again i am just being overanalitical... who knows... i wish someone could tell me why i am so psychotic sometimes....

look at me. i used periods and not stars. that was hard to do. i think i am changing from the stars tho. it just gets bothersome sometimes, especially because i am beginning to type like that in typing class. and also, in case you havent noticed, all of my titles are taken straight form song titles,and or lyrics. good times, right?

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