[10:09 P.M.] [Friday, Jun. 14, 2002]
[my list]

i dont even know where to start. jef wont stop calling me and we were suposed to hang out tonight. i really dont want to. adam still calls me like crazy, and he invited me to a BBQ tomorrow night, but i will be going to see juliana theory. marcus and i hung out the other night when lindsay, jenni, david, issac, he and i went egging. it was so fun, even tho we were followed by the cops and everything was very hectic. ive been talking to josh a lot lately. this is a new josh. he is my age, goes to my school, very down to earth, and not a crazy partier kinda guy. i like him, prolly more than any of the other guys on my conveinece list. i saw ross last night however. he came over to lindseys. yikes. long story short... his car, us talking... truth or dare. things coming out about jeremy. he got upset and left the room. so then i was liek ok time to leave. and well we started to talk. i asked him why he was laughing when i was telling my story about jeremy. (the question was "what exactly happened with he and i on that last night i saw him?") well he laughed and commented on something about the army and christianity. i was really offended that he was laughing adn making remarks. well i asked him what it was about and he said it shoudl be obvious i just had to think about it. i still didnt know what he was talking about so we argued about it for a little bit. he told me i wasnt thinking hard enough and i asked if it had to do bc i was going back and forth to him although he had screwed me over so many times, and then he mumbled something along the lines of me being duranged, and stormed out of the room. chelsea and isaac were in the living room as he marched through and told isaac that he was leaving. chelsea urged me to go out there. i thought it was for me and ross to hook up so i told her that we just got in an argument over jeremy. she still made me go out adn locked me out so there i was. standing at the doorway, locked out, with ross standing looking at me from half way down the drive way. we kinda stood there. and i asked him one last time why he got mad at me. "because i am jealous" he responded. that he didnt want to hear about me and jeremy any more. i told him i was sorry. i was sorry that any of that even happened in the first place. a year ago today. i bet he doesnt even remember, and probably would think i was wierd if i even mentioned it to him. but i remember these things. these things are special to me. so why would i forget them, throw them away. he thinks that i dont care. but if i didnt care i wouldnt know that our first kiss was a year ago today! anyways. after our apology we talked. and we stood there, talking, with our hands all over each other. and then we kissed. and kissed and kissed some more. it was awful. the kisses werent awful at all, just everything. i couldnt stop thinking how wrong i was. that i was cheating myself. that he was leaving in what, a week? and here i am kissing him. getting attached. setting myself up. what was i thinking?! well he asked me where i wanted to go. i wasnt certain what he meant. he suggested his car. i declined. i know what happens in cars. and i dont want to be a statistic. we leaned on the hood. he were still heavily making out and doing the kristen w. (hehe) he asked me to give him a hand job and then asked me to "suck him off" i refused. he begged me. and asked why i wouldnt. bc i wasnt going to do that again, that i didnt want to be like that anymore. he insisted and i continued to say no. it was really pissing me off. we lied down under the stars on the lawn. still kissing and heavily making out. then thank god, two cars were coming from opposite directions, so i made a run for it. i told chelsea that we had to leave. so i find out her alterior motives were to get isaac alone... and i took her home. ross said he would call, i still havent talked to him. but i almost dont want to. i think kissing him again made me realize it was over. bc i liked him, and the kiss was good, but i didnt feel it. i didnt feel the stomach drop, or the weak-in-the-knees feeling. it wasnt the same, yet it still made me think. wonder about those all so ever hated what-ifs. and what if for the future... i know he is leaving, but are we still gunna see each other... was that the last kiss we will share?... i want it to be... i think. but i just dont know. i like him enough to where i didnt want to stop kissing him, but i dont think it was enough to where i wanted to continue. im glad that i said no. im glad that i was on my period. i just am curios as to what monday will bring. we are still supossed to hang out but who knows. theres alot more, but i need to go now. maybe later ill be on.

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