[2:31 A.M.] [Tuesday, Jun. 18, 2002]
[the space between]

i found the dave matthews live at luther college cd. i can feel the intensity of the memories as i listen to it. it was the cd jeremy and i listened to. as we... yea. it hurts inside when i hear it. man i am so pathetic. i really am. here i have this guy josh, who called me again tonight. and he is perfect. he is a great christian. a great friend. a great person. a great guy. and i still have jeremy on my mind. and what is gunna happen when he comes back in say four or five months. i hope i dont haeva boyfriend then. i dont want to break up with them for him. but i wont want to cheat on him. and there is no way jeremy will be here with out us having anything to do with each other. i dont know why i am so worried when he comes back. i know he is gunna call. but now that i say that, he wont. thatll be the time. ah well. i just need to not worry now. push it away. i talked to lindsays kyle on the phone today. and i told him to go to walmart with us. whining, he replied... but im tired and i dont wanna get dressed. he sounded unbelieveably like jeremy. i had to hand the phone back to lindsay and i began to freak out. jeremy had this way of whining... it was always but i miss you... or i wanna see you, come over... he had this persitance to him. this demanding demeanor. i dont know. but hearing kyle was like de ja vue. it was awful. i wanted to cry. and then i heard that song by lonestar... not a day goes by. it was about as awful as the phone... but i talked to josh. and that was good. except my dumbass cell phone kept dropping his calls. and the last one i was about to say goodbye anyways. so he thought i just was like gotta go bye. and hung up. i called him back and he was not too pleased. i felt awful. i hope he gets back soon. im just afraid. i think it is too soon. its awful because to think about this past month... i have been with jeremy and ross already... and kinda marcus... which is awful seeing as how it is what the 17th? man oh man. anywho i must be getting off to bed, or at least to my downloads and lyrics. goodnight to all. no one can read this.. it is password protected. i wish i didnt have to do that.

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