[10:46 A.M.] [Saturday, Jun. 22, 2002]
[gone til november]

i had this long entry about yesterday, but of course the comp shut down. in short it was the worst panic/anxiety attack i haev ever been in, and i did my best to surpress it. i dont know if i should try and supress it or let it all flow out, who knows. anywho. i went shopping and that was the greatest six hours of this week. i had some dreams that i will have to share later. but they were very emotional and painful to recall.

but as for now im gunna hear the saddest songs

and sit alone and wonder how your making out

and i am off to ft lauderdale. i need to leave in 20 minutes and i am not hardly packed...well maybe its more like i am too packed. i wont be back til monday and then who knows what. i am supossed to go out with josh. i hope that goes well. hes exactly what i need. but maybe what i need is not what i need. and maybe what i dont need will teach me more. but what i dont need leaves me hurt. its just dumb i am sorry.

i really miss that jeremy kid. i cried for him yesterday. not heavy, but more mental. the tears welled up, and i wanted to scream. but i still managed to keep most of them from spilling over. never let go. i hope he never lets go. i dont know when he will be back. at least four months. more like five. that makes november. so what? november? and then what. do i break up with a guy i totally like and totally deserve and one that actually cares? its sad bc i dont want to have a boyfriend when he comes back. and i am given the ultimadum that i need to chose now, before someone gets hurt. and its wrong of me to go into any situation knowing i will want out for jeremy. i think i just need to test the waters. and if i like him enough i will stay with him. but if i want to get out cos of jeremy, then i didnt need to be in that relationship anyway did i? ugh i am so dense. when will i get it through my head and realize i dont need him. maybe one day it will settle on me like a huge epiphany. ah well. i must go now.

so i leave with this in mind - carpe diem

have a great weekend.

|<<| - |>>|