[10:29 p.m.] [11.24.02]
[carpe diem]

let go, let god.

that is my motto for the week.

and everyday, i am praying that i pray exactly that. because i just cant handle everything at once. and it is at times like these that we realize we cant carry it all and we just stop caring about how bad it is, bc it really could be worse. and it is times like these that we realize we cant do anything to change how everything is, so we might as well suck it up and go on living. there is no time to waste, sieze the moment... sounds like it will make a great song..?

but yes. i have proabbly thought about jeremy, lets say a round 100 times today. and everytime i thought negative, worrying thoughts, what did i do? i prayed. and prayed and prayed. selfishly, most the time.. that we wouldnt go to war until AFTER he gets to come home. or just simply that he is safe that he doesnt have to fight. or is home when the war starts. but no matter what or how, i just prayed. that i would be okay with this, even though i am not. and lately, i have been okay with it. i have been eating again! THANK GOD! i hate not eating. well i hate not being hungry, or feeling nauseous everytime i did eat. i am much happier, and at no reason of anything but that God has lifted the bricks off my shoulders. and i think it was because he knew i was breaking, and i was. i had had it up to ^here. and the Lord only gives you what you can bear! Paise God! i really am glad that i am not nearly as stressed as i had been. because upon being stressed, firnd out jeremy wascoming home, and the day of our christmas formal at that! and then hearing he might be in war insted of here! i mean i wanted him to come home, but knowing that made me nervous. and knowing his other option just made me sick. but now, iknow that fate is fate and god has control over every situation. i think it took questioning my faith when hearing the faiths of others to really make me stronger. because it at first made me weak. no matter what else makes sense, i know i believe in god. and i know jesus is real. the budhists believe in jesus. they have proof. the details that are altered dont factor in, bc they are all different beliefs. even the dahli lama said out of all religions christianity made the most sense. and i believe it does. and i thank God for everything. for the good days and the bad. because with out the bitter the sweet wouldnt taste as good:)

if i wouldnt have let god handle it, then i would still be upset from sunday, and then the bad news on thursday. but friday was wonderful. and saturday, even while working, it was alright. and sat night i gave away my bottle of malibu!

and today was grand. and i am still in a good mood. and i have been talking to god so often. i am already learning from this experience, as i do with all of them. but i know this must be making him a stronger person, and sadly enough, i pray that it makes him more mature, mature insinuating that he grows up, thus, he leaves the silly mind games. whether or not that happens will determine the situation between the two of us. if i does, then either a) we are over, b) he decides to shape up and not beat around the bush or c) he speaks to me but on strictly friends basis. the only problem is, no matter how much i want this stage over with, i dont. no matter how much i wish he would grow up, i know that that could mean the end is near. no matter how much i wish he would mature, i still long for the silly mind games that only left me confused, pissed off, and longing for more.

so mum tells me i cant go to community college for two years. "if you want to go somewhere for two years first before heading off, then you are going to go some place better." and how. i want to go to syracuse. its $35,000 a year. $140,000 total, assuming prices dont increase, and everything else is included. yikes. so community college for two years would half that cost and spnd minimal amounts when i could be still spending several thousand on in-state schools. she wants me to get good scholarships, but b**ches when i need money for the sats or acts. ay corumba!

well i need to get going, or i will not wake up in the am. goodnight and god bless. please pray fro america, and for no war, and for jeremy.

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